I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work. 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick." My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice." I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. Mitch Hedberg 1968- 2005

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